Personal Grief

They say that there are five stages of grief (some have recorded seven stages) – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (the other two – shock, guilt, or finding meaning). I am not in denial; I know that my parents are gone. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:7-8:

New King James Version

“⁷ For we walk by faith, not by sight. ⁸ We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.”

So, I am holding on to the fact that they are present with the Lord in whatever capacity that is for them. I am not angry about it or with anyone or God. I may at times find myself feeling angry about things said or situations – things said or done that I have no intention of talking about or airing on this social media platform.

I'm often caught off guard by the urge to call and talk to my mom or to think about something she said or did. I still have some things I wanted to talk about or share with her and my dad. I will not get the chance to do any of these things now that they have gone home. Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to have any conversations now that they are absent from the body. 

I miss them; I really miss them. Emotions come in waves at the most inconvenient times - on an airplane, in the classroom, in the grocery store…. God knows how much I miss them and how grateful I am for them as my parents. None of us are perfect, and I surely gave them challenges. I did not want to be without them.

As I face each day since their passing, I find strength and courage in God’s eternal love and impenetrable and unyielding strength. He is my comfort and help. He knows what I am feeling and how to encourage me to keep moving forward, knowing that He is my mother and my father. No, I will not take that back. He is sustaining me and holding me up. I am standing because He has me.  My family and friends are loving, praying for me, and encouraging me as well.

I have been in the bargaining phase as well. I prayed that the sickness would end, the cancer would go away, and they would be well – healed. The “what-ifs” had their turn – what if we had done this sooner or caught this earlier? So many things…. I asked God why He did not heal my dad. He told me that He did, He took him home. My Mom suffered at the end, and I just prayed for peace and comfort. I sometimes thought that if they went peacefully in their sleep without the pain and suffering, it would have been better. But God knows all things, and He did not promise a bed of ease. He gave them and us the strength to endure.

James 1: 2-5 says,” ² My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, ³ knowing that the testing of your faith produces ^[a]patience. ⁴ But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be ^[b]perfect and complete, lacking nothing. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. “

We are still in this process of grief. One day, we will be able to count it all joy. God is still working on us. May God comfort all who mourn as He is comforting me.

Be blessed.